A grave affair

Coco - the biggest chocolate Labrador in the world
A couple of days ago I recounted the tale of my dawn visit to a woodland burial ground. On reflection I realised it possibly made sombre reading. There’s never anything sombre about my days, even those that start so early.

Despite enjoying one of the warmest Decembers on record, it is still winter and clear skies can pull that mercury deeper than the deepest space. So, dressing for my walk, I decided on layers - a long-sleeve tee-shirt, two sweatshirts, a scarf and a fleece were all topped off by a woolly hat. As I strode along I was snugly warm, I might even have removed the hat, but I knew we’d be sat for an hour or so in the murky dawn, so dragged the layers with me.

My friend and I are not unintelligent – I think our two brains work well together. However, we do have a shortage of commonsense. As we sat staring in roughly the right direction, we wondered about the sun. We knew the graves would be facing east, but how accurately?

There was a lot of space out there, deep space. The sky was grey and clouds seemed drawn by the magnetic force of the sun (did you know the sun was magnetic?). Fortunately my friend has an App on her phone. Tilt it upwards and the planets (and motorways, apparently) are revealed in all their glory. A thick, horizontal line was interpreted as the horizon, but we wouldn’t bet money on it.

As we agreed we were facing the right direction, I passed the phone back. I was seated snugly in an armed, plastic chair. No – it wasn’t manufactured by Kalashnikov – it had arm rests. I moved to my left, leaning slightly. I was soon past my natural horizon and fell gracefully and silently to the damp grass.

My adventures are usually perilous in some way – crossing streams, climbing gates. And I always tell my companions ‘Save the camera! Always grab the camera first, not me!’

As I was licked to death by the biggest chocolate Labrador in the world, my friend did nothing but chuckle. Me? I was wedged in so tightly, I couldn’t move. Alas the camera remained in its case and there is nothing but my words to record the event.

Eventually I wriggled free, the sun rose and I refused to consider what Coco had been eating along the trailway before slobbering me to within an inch of my chubby little face.