This one's sneaked in - breaking up the seven posts as chosen by my father.

A few months ago I entered a competition in a magazine. The idea was to write a rejection letter to an author who then goes on to massive success.

I don't read many novels, but I have dipped into the odd Dan Brown - so I chose his Da Vinci Code as my inspiration.

Although I didn't win, I did enjoy writing the letter - so I'm spreading that joy and sharing it here...

Dear Dan

Re: The Da Vinci Code

Thanks for the manuscript for your latest novel.

I must admit this one had me scratching my head. Old Leonardo was certainly a character, I’ll give you that. But he doesn’t come across as your typical hero. Maybe the story would work with a different artist, how do you feel about Michael Angelo? I know the title would need fixing and some of the story too, but The Angelo Code would be nearer the top of the A-Z list of new fiction.

You lost me in London. What the hell was all that about with the Abbey and apples? Apples are ten a dime. Come up with something that smacks of luxury and you might be getting there. Can you bring in a franchise? It’s not too early to think about product placement. I don’t see Denzel Washington getting too excited over an apple. Maybe if he was sipping a Pepsi when he picks it?

I know what you’re thinking, there’s no way Denzel could crack a nut, let alone a code. But I was at a party last week and his agent is desperate to get him into some comedy – and The Angelo Apple could just do it.

I’m not sure about Roslyn Chapel. Can’t you come up with something a bit nearer a highway? We need to look at the bigger picture here – don’t forget nerds are a novelist’s best friend. You need to make sure readers can get to these places. Remember fans – they love a pilgrimage, but only with plenty of rest rooms.

Let me know what you think – you’ve got the beginnings of a great story. Maybe we could polish it off together?

Ivor Mistchance

PS any more thoughts about relocating that Angels and Demons to New York? I’m sure you could re-work it for a synagogue.